Blacker October

Well... there's no joy ride without a big fall out into the great open and no stoppin' till you hit the ground.

3 days ago I have been told by my one and only husband that he has lost interest in me since I gained 20 lbs. Ergo, the rare to close to extinction intimate moments that have been happening for about a year now.
It's one thing when you have to guess and suspect it, it's another when it's being laid down on you so hard & direct. Over all, what actually hurts the most is that he doesn't even realize he is the one behind these pounds.  A woman who doesn't have the reason to look pretty for her husband just... won't (or will start looking better for another man - which is not my style).

So... how can a man say he loves a woman dearly, cherishes her and adores her, no matter what, for better and for worse, but as soon as she gains 20 lbs he becomes indifferent towards her and starts working more? And when i say more, i means 12-14h / day. Long hours at work? JUST long hours at work? Really?!! And they simply start to happen all of a sudden about 2 months ago just like that. No project on the horizon, no extra paid hours, no promotion perspectives, just.... long hours & less sex, close to no sex.

Would he have done the same if i had breast cancer and lost one or both breasts? Would he have done the same if I were one-legged due to... a car crash? What happens after I give birth and lose my figure for good? Oh, wait. I can't get pregnant cause we don't get laid anymore.

So from having it all for 3 weeks, lying to myself that maybe-just maybe all works out, I am now jobless, worthless,  most probably future divorce and... fat.
I guess I've hit the jackpot, huh?
I guess my ultimate defense was to pretend. It was just a beautiful lie.

Any ideas, Mina?...
Yeah. I'll show this m$%^fuc^&*(ing assh&*e I can lose weight, become a freaking model and let him drool over my ass as I step over his balls while divorcing him. I'll run off into the world with a rich geezer and become a black widow, damn it!

Black October

Octombrie asta e blestemat. Nici nu a inceput bine luna asta si s-au intamplat atat de multe incat nici nu stiu de unde sa incep. Probabil ca tot ce s-a intamplat a fost rezultatul unor luni intregi de frustari pe toate planurile, dar hei... i derailed so much over these past years... what one more wrong step in the wrong direction?

I think i screwed up. 2 oct - wrote my resignation. 3 oct - went to the worst interview of my life. 4 oct - last day of work. 5 oct - went to ex workplace to get some papers and have been shortly after rejected for the ex job there. 8 oct - fucked up beyond recognition, 2 h before another job interview which of course, i will fail.

Something tells me this is it. This is the month Mina is bound to realize what she has always been and will always be - a loser.

I try too hard, too much, too desperately to adapt and enjoy, but... I can't. I failed miserably.

Sunt pe marginea prapastiei. Am facut un pas inapoi, am luat o gura de zdravana de aer. Ma voi linisti inainte sa decid ce am de gand sa fac in continuare. Realul meu noroc e ca il am pe David langa mine si ca ma sustine in decizia pe care am luat-o. Insa, tot ma simt vinovata. Stiu ca imi repeta de mii de ori sa imi iau timpul de pe lume sa gasesc ceva ce chiar imi place, dar... Daca nu voi gasi nimic? Daca tot timpul asta trece in detrimentul meu si scopul meu in viata e sa fiu casnica tipica ce are grija de copii si se uita la telenovele toata ziua? Chiar vreau sa fiu genul ala de femeie?

Nu stiu ce vreau sa fac. Dar in sinea mea ma bucur ca am plecat din rahatul ala de companie si ca astialalti nu m-au luat inapoi. Nu mai vreau sa lucrez in transporturi. Prea multa subcultura, prea multi infumurati, prea multa prostie. Si prea mult chaos.

Am nevoie de un mediu academic. De un mediu multinational. De un mediu in care fiecare angajat isi cunoaste responsabilitatile si si le respecta. Si de un colectiv normal, fara tarani si printese infatuate.

Sau... ma pot duce in Austria sa ingrijesc babe. Pe bani. fara stres.

Mi-aduc aminte de un episod din copilarie cand lumea te lua de obraz si te intreba ce vrei sa te faci cand vei fi mare. Eu le raspundeam ironic ca vreau sa ma fac "nevasta de om bogat".

I failed miserably.