Chained to the wall

Walls. Just walls. Walls beyond other walls, nothing but walls. Sealing nothing but emptiness of hope. Guarding terror, misery and despair. Does anyone offer freedom? Does anyone actually know what freedom is? Do they have a spare? May my soul profit from it? Will it cure me? Will it drown me? Would it matter?

I'll never be worth it. And i don't have the power to fight for it.

The only possession i have are my chains.

Ashamed.

I'm ashamed of who I am. I'm ashamed of the glasses i have to wear on my eyes 16 hours a day, every day. I'm ashamed of my weight nowadays. Ashamed of my last two years of going wild and free in a land that didn't want me, giving everything to someone who didn't need it and losing myself along that process. I'm ashamed of my tastes when it comes to love, because they either seem to fail me or society - nonetheless, always not right. I'm ashamed of not being able to pull through by now, still stuck in a tornado of feelings and frustration, still grounded by contexts and conjunctions. Ashamed of being so damn average, so damn insignificant to the world, so damn criticized by the world... I'm just ashamed of my identity and yes, today i really wanted to trade places with... anyone. I'm ashamed of my parents for being so blunt and stereotyped, my grandparents for being so inoculated with anything but parenting skills for their children or me for that matter. Bloody ashamed of this society i live in, which sacrifices innocent lives from the moment they're born until they die for... money, power and vulgarity. So fucking ashamed of our rich, instinctive and unaware people that terminate and pollute this beautiful planet. I'm ashamed. Of myself through the eyes of society. Of society through my eyes. "And it must be shame that makes me cry... And I hide".




And this is pure depression, willing to fuck-up you inner state of mind to the core. Be advised: only to be listened to when you're definitely not happy and definitely willing to cry!

E iubire

E iubire. O vezi, o observi… si apoi… intr-o zi, pur si simplu, intr-o clipa de foc ce-ti aprinde toate simturile - o privesti. Pentru prima data, o privesti cu ochii larg deschisi, cu uimire absoluta, ca si cand chipul ei, zambetul si ochii jucausi te indeamna la viata pentru prima data in existenta ta. Actul sexual se transforma intr-un mod imperceptibil ochiului liber, insa ceva in aceasta metamorfoza prinde aripi, incetand sa se tarasca de la un orgasm la altul – zboara! Si orice sarut e inchinat si jertfit ei, orice sarut al ei jertfit tie e inchinat iubirii, iar ciclul ofrandelor se perpetueaza la nesfarsit. Existenta ia chipul vietii, zambetul pe cel al radierii buzelor, iar clipa se dilata la nesfarsit pentru a-ti desavarsii eternitatea suprema – una, singura, in sufletul ei. E iubire. Nu te mai imbraci in graba. Mai ramai. Va jucati printe paturi si perne, va sarutati aprins, va sarutati tandru, va sarutati ca si cand lumea s-ar sfarsi intr-o clipa. Cearta ei nu te mai agaseaza, dar… te intereseaza. Reprezinta noul tau scop pentru a-i fi mai pe plac. Alteori te amuza si ii zambesti parental spunandu-i tacit: “Prostuto, nu te mai consuma pentru atat, va fi bine!” E iubire. Te gandesti la viitor in pereche. Cand sa se fi intamplat si asta? Timpul, oricum, e ilar, ingramadirea de zile fiind irelevanta acum. Actiunile tale, planurile tale, dorintele tale toate prind alta nuanta, schimbandu-si forma, ingloband-o si pe ea in trairile tale. Oare ii va place sa mergem…? Sa facem…? Iti realizezi de abia acum handicapul vremurilor duse, acela de-a fi injumatatit de-un suflet, de a fi semi-gol si total dezgolit de sentimente. Ea te umple sit e dezbraca totodata. Ea te cunoaste. Ea intelege. Te uiti la ea si nu-ti poti crede ochilor cat e de frumoasa. O privesti si e suficient. Oh, Dumnezeule! E iubire!

M. Harker - Franturi Multicolore

Raspuns...

Stau si o privesc cum stă in pat şi se uita la un film. Acum 5 minute eram si eu langa ea…imi pusesem capul pe spatele ei si am cuprins-o in brate. Ii simteam fiecare bataie a inimii, fiecare miscare de respiratie. O simteam linistita in bratele mele, fara nici o grija, fara nici un gand, doar filmul. Emana calm. Un calm care m-a cuprins si pe mine. Un calm care-ti goleste mintea si te imobilizeaza. Un calm in care ai putea sa te complaci, asa cum faci cu multe lucruri in viata ta. Si totusi am plecat de langa ea. Vreau sa tin minte momentul acela. As vrea ca de fiecare data cand se cuibareste in bratele mele sa emane acelasi calm si acelasi sentiment de liniste. As vrea sa o pot proteja de orice. As vrea sa stiu cum. As vrea sa-i ofer totul. As vrea sa stie ca fiinta mea ii apartine in totalitate. As vrea sa stie ca in preajma mea nu voi lasa sa i se intample nimic rau. Nimic fara voia ei. As vrea sa stie ca pentru mine este inceputul si sfarsitul, iar ziua in care nu-i voi mai simti trupul in bratele mele va fi ziua in care va muri tot ce este uman in mine.
Asta este iubirea pe care o asteptam demult si care credeam ca nu mi se cuvine. Timpul le rezolva pe toate. Asta este iubirea de care foarte putini au scris, pentru ca foarte putini stiu ce inseamna. Pretuirea fiecarui gest, a fiecarei atingeri, a fiecarei priviri. Sa le sorbi ca si cum ar fi pentru ultima oara. Sa atingi, sa saruti ca si cum ai face-o pentru ultima oara. Sa simti conturul fetei, al ochilor, al buzelor in buricul degetelor. Sa simti pe buze fiecare centimetru din corpul ei. Sa adormi in fiecare seara cu parfumul ei in nari. Sa astepti cu nerabdare a doua zi cand o vei vedea. Sa te gandesti „ oare cum se imbraca azi?”. Sa stati in mijlocul unei duzini de oameni si sa o intelegi fara sa scoata un sunet macar. Sa astepti momentul…sa numeri secundele de tortura pana o vei simti din nou in bratele tale. Sa nu fi bun de nimic fara vorba ei. Sa te lumineze fiecare zambet. Sa te lasi purtat de atingerile ei. Sa te simti ca intr-o inchisoare in lipsa prezentei ei. Cand pleaca, parca ia cu ea totul. Nu mai ai forta sa faci nimic. Cand stii ca vine, ai puterea sa misti muntii. Cand ii simti trupul cald, vibrand, sa fi in al nouălea cer. Sa o alinti. Sa o rasfeti. Sa o dezmierzi. Sa o incurajezi. Sa o certi cand greseste. Sa faci din ea o luptatoare.
Toate aceastea sa le primesti inapoi… asta este iubirea neconditionata. Restul nu mai conteaza. Impreuna, si doar impreuna, avem puterea de a invinge totul.
Voi savura o tigara dupa care ma voi intoarce in pat sa-mi umplu plamanii cu…liniste si calm…

Septembrie, toamna...

Nu stiu daca ai simtit vreodata cat e de grava si definitiva o asemenea dragoste; daca ti-ai dat vreodata seama ca, orice s-ar intampla, nu te mai poti desparti de fiinta iubita, ca esti legat de ea pana la moarte, in sensul concret al cuvantului. Adica numai eventuala ei moarte iti mai poate reda libertatea. Altminteri, cat traieste ea, fie ca esti sau nu esti indragostit, fie ca vrea sau nu mai vrea iubita, tu te simti al ei, legat de ea, ursit ei...

M. Eliade, Nunta in cer

But hey, look on the bright side! - part III

But hey, look on the bright side! - part II

Sure, life's not perfect, but hey, looking on the bright side, like somebody used to say (was it me?) - if man would be given a perfect life he wouldn't know what to do with it. There's fun in tears and there's always an up side to every down side. You just got to open your eyes and observe.

Take me for example! My life's not at all glamorous, shinny, VIP-ish or golden. In fact, my life is preeeeetty boring considering the helicopter view.

I don't know any stars, but looking on the bright side, i did. And guess what? They're as fucked up as you and me. They're still crying at night because of their failures, still enjoying their success with friends and family, still getting drunk as hell at some party and throwing up after wards. The only difference is that they appear on TV for... some reason. And looking further on that bright side - trust me, a life without fame, paparazzi and possible future kidnappers is waaaaaaaaaaaay more peaceful!

I don't earn enough. Nobody usually does. We always want more than we need, we need less than we have, but who can blame us for being silly monkeys yearning for every capitalistic hocus-pocus banana that's been shown in front of our eyes with the never ending motto saying: "Ya think THAT banana is good? Why don't you try THIS one for a size? It's BETTER!" oh, gosh, don't we believe it? Can't blame yourself, really. You're like that. We ALL are! But hey, looking on the bright side, yearning for more determines you to be more, wanting more from yourself. In time, you become better, wiser, smarter, more in touch with your self and your true needs and yearnings.

I'm never happy enough. There's always something getting in the way. Whether it's society not agreeing with me or my parents being disappointed in me, or even the fact that I want to get a job when I'm unemployed and want to quit when i am... there's always something getting through between me and my true happiness. Truth be told, I wouldn't know true happiness if it slapped me in the face. But again, looking on the bright side - more of a reason to appreciate the half-perfect happiness you had when something so bad happens that you can't contain yourself not to cry out of true sadness (And oh, boy! That we all know!).

I'm always too fat, too thin, too ugly, too beautiful, too hysterical, too selfish/foolish/tall/short/stupid/smart/rich/poor/erotic/neurotic for someone! Go figure! I'm not perfect you morons! Good luck finding that one flawless bitch who can give you everything you want and top it off with a better blow-job than me! HA! Well... looking on the bright side, at least all the ass-holes that dumped me still lung for that part of me. Muaaaaahahahahhahaaaahh! And looking on the other bright side - Everyone's better off alone than with the people who had the nerve to dump them. If they let you go, good riddance! They didn't deserve you anyway.

And finally... It's not about them. It's about you: who YOU truly are to yourself, how YOU perceive yourself, what YOU think of yourself. Before changing something about you, think why. Why and for what purpose do you want to change that nose, temper, personality or job - is it truly worth it and do you mainly do it for yourself on the long term or for someone else for the short term? And if you don't do it for you, but for someone else... are they worth it? Again: Are THEY worth it more than you're worth in your own eyes? Think about it. Think about it again. Then react. Because - looking on the bright side - no matter how many people hate or love you, sacrifice or don't sacrifice for you, you are your best fan and when no one remembers your birthday, you're bound to by default! So next time you look at yourself in the mirror, give yourself a kiss on behalf of... you.

But hey, look on the bright side! - part I

Time seems to die nowadays, leaving us little freedom to enjoy, but looking on the bright side - the perfect little moments we have with ourselves and our loved ones couldn't have ever reached our memories and hearts so deep just because of that.

This earth is becoming more and more neglected through pollution and mass-destruction, by warfare and continuous hazardous rages of despair and ignorance, but looking on the bright side - our children shall live by observing a sick world and by observing they shall eventually try to change it for the better, building new systems, for their forefathers didn't have the strength to.

Lots of species are now extinct thanks to man, but looking on the bright side - man never sises to discover new species.

Mankind has experienced two world wars already; towns have been destroyed, people have been killed, weapons have emerged, technology was used to create monsters, but looking on the bright side - we've discovered new ways of combat less destructive to humanity, more intelligent and more powerful, using technology and the never dying coin.

People have become more selfish, self driven and unemphatic; they have somehow inverted into a constant involution, but looking on the bright side - technology has indeed evolved beyond imagination.

Men are pigs, women say, never caring for their needs, always acting like kids, living for sex, football and the next meal, cheating them with any bimbo that gives them the littlest attention, but looking on the bright side - thank god for sperm banks and your own feminine species who will understand you and give you the best oral you've ever had!

Women are bitches, men say, always looking for their money, winning every sexual harassment low suit in a company and having a headache 90 percent of the time when they want to make love to them, but looking on the bright side - after carrying your offspring for 9 months in their bellies, suffering the pains of labor and hating your guts for that, they still raise your kid into the greatest miracle that ever happened to your little pathetic miserable masculine life you had before you met them!

Capitalism has taken over your life: you wake up in the morning, barely get to drink your coffee and get your ass into your company car just to slowly squeeze yourself through the traffic jam, to get there, to stay there - overtime, working your ass off for a good pay; you get home in the evening and yes, there are days when you barely see your wife and kid, when you barely get to talk to them, but looking on the bright side - you'll always have that bank account from which you can pay your kid the best education money can buy, take the best exotic vacations and buy the most expensive jewelery for your wife.

Capitalism has taken over your life: you wake up in the morning, barely get to drink your coffee and get your ass into the city transportation just to slowly squeeze yourself through the traffic jam, to get there, to stay there - overtime, working your ass off for the lowest salary; you get home in the evening and no, there's no wife and kid to get home to, you probably have to pay rent anyway, but looking on the bright side - in a few years of tens of years, with patience and endurance, lots of ass kissing, you're gonna get there!


Looking on the bright side... good things always happen to those who wait and think pink! Every change starts with you when you truly want it! It is enough to wish and, of course, look on the bright side!