Lectii de viata

Loviturile resimtite in viata, la orice varsta, sunt in general lectii din care poti invata cate ceva daca te straduiesti. Nu ma refer la tragediile vietii care, uneori, sunt inexplicabile si se intampla absurd, fara cauze si cu efecte daunatoare la cel mai profund nivel, ci la cele ce iti definesc personalitatea si perceptia despre viata.

 

Aveam 15 ani si tocmai fusesem admisa in CNB. Desi am ales liceul acela in mod expres pentru a fi aproape de majortatea fostilor colegi de clasa, lucrurile nu mai aveau cum a fi la fel. Ma simteam singura pe lume, fara prieteni si cu o nevoie disperata de a socializa si de a ma integra intr-un grup. (Don't judge me, you were 15 once!)

Ca o regula, nu cred ca exista adolescente fara o simpatie speciala in perioada aceea. A mea era Radu. Nu pentru ca era frumos, ci pentru ca era spiritual si diferit si avea plete. Probabil si pentru ca era in a XII-a. Si pentru ca juca in trupa de teatru. Si pentru ca stia sa cante la pian. Ne indragostim de cele mai mici lucruri cateodata! Cert e ca pentru o introvertita ca mine, idea sugerata de psihologul meu din acea perioada a fost revelatorie: sa incerc sa intru in trupa de teatru a scolii, nu doar pentru a-mi oferi sansa de a fi observata de Radu, dar si pentru a reusi sa trec de obstacolul cercului de foc al introvertitilor: public speaking. Yeah, sort of  like Toastmasters. What did I have to lose? Well…. I lost time, for starters. Nici nu are rost sa va explic la cate auditii si probe am fost in speranta de a pune mana pe un rol. In mod paradoxal am iubit si am urat teatrul, de multe ori simultan. Organizatorul intregului program era una din profesoarele de limba engleza care a predat clasei mele doar temporar, un semestru pana la gasirea unui inlocuitor. Era diriginta la o alta clasa plina de vedete si VIP-uri, iar distributia rolurilor se facea in mare parte dupa titlu, si nu intotdeauna dupa talent. Pentru ca nu-mi doream sa intru in teatru cu un rol principal, le vanam intotdeauna pe cele secundare sau episodice, dar care sa-mi "vorbeasca", pe care sa ma pot plia cu maleabilitate. Cumva, intrasem in cerc. Am fost membra "activa" a trupei timp de doi ani si trei piese. Singura piesa in care apucasem sa joc a fost una conceptuala dedicata marelui Caragiale, care avea nevoie de o distributie mai mare (ca. 30 oameni). Cu ocazia ultimului rol pentru care il vizasem mi s-a confirmat ceea ce banuisem deja in adancul sufletului meu – cu cat e mai mic ecosistemul, cu atat e mai mare pestele rapitor. Situatia fusese penibila: ramasesem finalista cu o fata din clasa profesoarei pe un rol secundar, nici macar unul din acele roluri secundare care sa prezinte interés la prima vedere, iar auditiile se prelungisera pe trei saptamani. Piesa stagna datorita incapacitatii "regizorului" de a alege finalista. A fost un razboi de guerilla care si-a atins scopul. Obosisem sa ma mai bat cu morile de vant. Am iesit din competitie de buna voie si nesilita de nimeni. Am invatat ca in materie de arta nu ai nevoie de talent, frumusete sau dedicatie, ci doar de un juriu care sa te simpatizeze exact pe tine. Din pacate, publicul larg nu e intotdeauna juriul, ci consumatorul.

Cred ca nimeni de acolo nu si-a pus vreodata problema cu privire la motívele pentru care eu ma aflam acolo. Nimanui nu i-a pasat vreodata ca eu eram o introvertita cu probleme de stima de sine ce dorea sa isi lichideze scheletele din dulap. Cat despre Radu, m-a observat pentru ca eram acolo si pentru ca pot afirma cu tarie ca aveam destul talent pentru a face fata competitiei, insa in momentul in care am ajuns sa discutam despre un posibil viitor, mi-a balbait o scuza si a evadat din camera doar pentru a se etala cu noua "achizitie" in fata clasei mele a doua zi in pauze. Am invatat ca unii oameni se maturizeaza mai repede decat altii, ca suntem cu totii diametral diferiti unii fata de altii, si desi el era eroul din píesele de teatru, in realitate reprezenta un carácter episodic in viata mea. Am invatat ca acele grupuri populare dintr-un mediu sau altul de care Radu apartinea au ceva ce mie imi repugna si azi. A fost o experienta care mi-a calmat nevoia de a apartine unui grup cu orice pret si a starnit in mine dorinta de a fi asa cum sunt eu, acceptata sau nu.

By the way, I'm pregnant!

 

Se zice ca o imagine face mai mult decat 1000 de cuvinte.

I hate Englad

I hate England. I hate the weather here; it always starts to rain whenever you have great plans in the outdoors. It's sunny only during the week-days when you're usually at work and if you're not, then you better schedule your holiday in another country because this English mate, Murphy, has one day decided, for no particular reason at all, to imply Murphy's Law. I hate the stuck up people here – no matter if they're bloody English or just pretending to be, they will all have this contagious microbe I think science now calls arrogance. This makes English people snobs and Indians (I'm sorry, I meant to say English Indians – no, wait… Ahm… brown skinned Englishmen) the most unprofessional I've ever had the unpleasant fluke to meet. Don't even get me started on the Arabs here! The only time you're going to see an Arab smile at you is when he's on the other side of the counter trying to sell you something. I hate their plastic food. In all the time I've been here I have understood that besides the complimentary breakfast of sausage & beans and perhaps porridge, the English lack originality in the kitchen. For them it was easier to just copy what they've seen in other cuisines or import those cuisines with their chefs' altogether. That's why you'll see an Indian restaurant on each street corner and a pizza place on each street. I wanted to order at the hotel restaurant, they gave me a menu to read so I read it: I had to choose between meat or veggie lasagna or chicken tikka masala (whatever that means). I asked for an English dish and the waitress looked at me funny. She said they don’t serve that in there. My god, I'm staying at an English hotel in bloody Birmingham and I'm served 10 types of English black tea each morning at the buffet between sausages and beans, but you don’t have anything sausagey or beany during dinner?! Noooo!!! Most people think of fish & chips as an original English dish. It's English alright, but it's not a dish. It's a snack or an appetizer, not a dish. It's the thing you eat with a beer when you're out of nuts. Silly me, thinking I might hit the jackpot with that! The fish is actually fish fingers and the chips are French fries. So not only was that a bit confusing, but it was also smaller than my stomach. And what's with the attitude towards foreigners altogether?! I mean – they practically invaded India, they fought with the Germans over South Africa and got kicked out of Japan for a while, but they're the ones complaining about too many foreigners invading their country. It's called karma, bitches! And why the hell are you complaining anyways?! Like I've seen any English people driving cabs since I've come here! Every time I need to take a cab to the office and back you'll see this Indian dude with a turban and a… "musky" smell arriving 20-30 min late to pick me up. (I swear, this people do not know the concept of punctuality!) Mostly I hate England because it’s not home.

Last chapter

I have looked deep inside me all of this time, trying to come up with a definitive answer of why it happened and why it happened like that, having this prerecorded idea that everything might as well happen for a reason, otherwise what's the purpose of living? I guess it was always more comfortable for the mind to find an answer for every situation that didn't exactly make sense to logic. I fell in love. It was the first time. And I was too young to look at this event with caution. I was young and naïve and very much in love. And then he dumped me like you dump garbage when the sack is full: no explanations or remorse or drama. One moment I had wings and I was flying, the next they were gone and I was crawling. I crawled in me, I crawled psychologically and I was unable to stop in doing so for a long time. Life passed, years and relationships went by and for the life of me, well enough distanced to look over the big picture, I still have no clue as to why the following irony unfolds: I have married and have stayed married for some years before we divorced and after all this time I still have more vivid memories of a long gone relationship than of a marriage that has only more recently died. I have no love for either of them, I well remember both of their faces, but I consider one to be karmic and the latter to be nothing but a confused decision that took me on a dead-end from which I had to resurface. I believe that karma is the crucial word here and if there is any complexity in this problem it's because I believe it to be. My current husband would say I over-think things and complicate them for the brain-tease I like so much. But I don't do it for the sport, I feel it in my guts and sometimes it resurfaces. I don’t want to be misunderstood: my husband is the best choice I've made in my life and the child I'm bearing is the ultimate proof of this. Nonetheless, there are people that cross our paths that we forget very soon after and don’t remember until we run into them or hear of their fate through other long lost common acquaintances and there are the others; the others may cross your path for merely an instance and leave deep altering sings on it. Some are good, others are not so good. Ultimately, there are some very bad scars there as well. I'm still trying to figure out which is which and even though most of the pieces of the puzzle have been found and placed where they belong there is this one piece that's missing and it messes up my whole vision. I'm thinking of this now because a lot has happened lately. Ever since my divorce things have spiraled out of control and I went along with it hoping that everything would finally fall into place and so it seems: I've met my current husband the very day I've divorced my last one, we've fallen in love and remained very much so with one minor change in perspective – we have a baby on the way. Maybe this is why I feel this urge to put everything into its place, even things I haven’t pondered upon in a long time. All I can think of is that if there really is karma, all those kicks in my ass were for a very good reason and that's so I could move forward, even when I didn't want to. Eventually, all my life's choices have led me here and my first adventure with love has taught me nothing more than just to know the feeling, to know what it is and what I'm looking for from men and life. This was my last chapter to close and I have done it now with truly no regrets. I always thought I would see him again sometime, somehow, for the sake of a good novel if nothing else. But it hasn’t happened and I don’t expect it to ever happen again. And that is fine. And I am liberated, contempt and happy.

Vine, vine primavara!

Ei, vine primavara! De abia astept sa vad niste floricele pe campii si niste pasarele ciripind pentru ca a fost o iarna tare lunga... Si grea. Mai alea profesional. Momentan sunt in VIB pentru ultima delegatie pe iarna asta. Next stop: possibly USA, hopefully for no more than 2 weeks. Aaaanywho... Singurul motiv pentru care apuc sa mai dau cu subsemnata prin filele astea e ca am un ultim sfert de ora la lucru, destul de lejer, iar asta se intampla din ce in ce mai rar in ultima vreme. Astept cu sufletul la gura maririle de salarii din martie. Sunt destul de extenuata si deprimata cand vine vorba de corporatia asta si m-au dezamagit absolut in tot ce se poate numi "ordine si disciplina nemteasca". Dar e un job, nu-mi displace ce fac si cu toate miscarile de responsabilitati din DE in RO, inca rezist cu stoicism valurilor. Insa nu ar strica o marire de salariu. Dimpotriva, I welcome it pentru ca e singura influenta pozitiva din partea firmei asteia pe care as mai avea-o in ultima vreme. Cat despre timpul liber, putinul ramas... Andy si puzzle. Si jocuri pe PC. Si din martie, cica fitness si biliard. Oh, imi voi uri viata! Si pe el! Mai ales pe el, pentru ca m-a convins sa fac asta! Dar are dreptate, avem amandoi nevoie de putina miscare (mai mult eu decat el) pentru ca suntem anchilozati (mai mult eu decat el) si indopati (mai mult eu... nu, doar eu... :( evident, prin indopati ma refer mai degraba la "Daaaaaamn!" dar deh!). In plus, vine vara... Ar fi frumos sa pot purta si ceva haine de vara pe langa sacii de care ma tot folosesc sa-mi ascund shoncile. That's all for now. Back to the drawing board!