Last chapter

I have looked deep inside me all of this time, trying to come up with a definitive answer of why it happened and why it happened like that, having this prerecorded idea that everything might as well happen for a reason, otherwise what's the purpose of living? I guess it was always more comfortable for the mind to find an answer for every situation that didn't exactly make sense to logic. I fell in love. It was the first time. And I was too young to look at this event with caution. I was young and naïve and very much in love. And then he dumped me like you dump garbage when the sack is full: no explanations or remorse or drama. One moment I had wings and I was flying, the next they were gone and I was crawling. I crawled in me, I crawled psychologically and I was unable to stop in doing so for a long time. Life passed, years and relationships went by and for the life of me, well enough distanced to look over the big picture, I still have no clue as to why the following irony unfolds: I have married and have stayed married for some years before we divorced and after all this time I still have more vivid memories of a long gone relationship than of a marriage that has only more recently died. I have no love for either of them, I well remember both of their faces, but I consider one to be karmic and the latter to be nothing but a confused decision that took me on a dead-end from which I had to resurface. I believe that karma is the crucial word here and if there is any complexity in this problem it's because I believe it to be. My current husband would say I over-think things and complicate them for the brain-tease I like so much. But I don't do it for the sport, I feel it in my guts and sometimes it resurfaces. I don’t want to be misunderstood: my husband is the best choice I've made in my life and the child I'm bearing is the ultimate proof of this. Nonetheless, there are people that cross our paths that we forget very soon after and don’t remember until we run into them or hear of their fate through other long lost common acquaintances and there are the others; the others may cross your path for merely an instance and leave deep altering sings on it. Some are good, others are not so good. Ultimately, there are some very bad scars there as well. I'm still trying to figure out which is which and even though most of the pieces of the puzzle have been found and placed where they belong there is this one piece that's missing and it messes up my whole vision. I'm thinking of this now because a lot has happened lately. Ever since my divorce things have spiraled out of control and I went along with it hoping that everything would finally fall into place and so it seems: I've met my current husband the very day I've divorced my last one, we've fallen in love and remained very much so with one minor change in perspective – we have a baby on the way. Maybe this is why I feel this urge to put everything into its place, even things I haven’t pondered upon in a long time. All I can think of is that if there really is karma, all those kicks in my ass were for a very good reason and that's so I could move forward, even when I didn't want to. Eventually, all my life's choices have led me here and my first adventure with love has taught me nothing more than just to know the feeling, to know what it is and what I'm looking for from men and life. This was my last chapter to close and I have done it now with truly no regrets. I always thought I would see him again sometime, somehow, for the sake of a good novel if nothing else. But it hasn’t happened and I don’t expect it to ever happen again. And that is fine. And I am liberated, contempt and happy.